Greyfriars Bobby Gillespie

[A dog-themed tribute poem to the Primal Scream front man and legendary caner. Buy the latest Scream album here.]

Bobby Gillespie said with a pant:
"There's life in this old dog yet."
So we slipped a collar around his neck
And led him straight off to the vet.

The surgeon withdrew a sample of blood
Then said to me: "now listen son,
I don't know what you've been feeding this pooch
But it hasn't been Pedigree Chum.

This canine is more drug than dog
He's a bona fide junkie mutt.
Instead of just sniffing for substances
He's snorted the stuff straight up.

We can send him off to a farm in Wales
Where he can rest and chase some sheep.
Or I can fetch the needle I call 'Old Faithful'
And put him humanely to sleep."

"Don't you know who this is?" I asked,
"He's a verified legend of rock.
We don't want to mangle the Scots mongrel's mojo,
We just want to give him the chop."

The quick operation caused Bobby no harm,
His tail soon resuming its wag.
We gave him a bone to reward his compliance
And took his balls home in a bag.

.

Chocolate for Doherty

[An imagined note of support from a 14-year old girl to the troubled Babyshambles front man Pete Doherty.]

Dear Pete, I saw you on the evening news
What have you been taking now?
You need to knock this thing on the head
And I think I know the way how.

Instead of caning that smack and crack
And getting yourself in a state
Fix on a king-size Snickers Bar
Or crumble it up with a Flake.

Chocolate is cheaper and cooler than drugs
It won't make you act like a prick
And if the police stop and search you again
There's no law against possessing a Twix.

I'm sending a Crunchie by registered post
I hope that it sweetens your tooth.
There's also a Kit-Kat you might want to share
With the other three blokes in your group.

I hope that you'll follow my chocolate advice
I really don't want you to die.
Start the night with a Fruit and Nut Dairy Milk
Not a puke-stained heroin high.

So next time I notice your name in the papers
I'll know that there's no need to fret.
Perhaps you'll have stolen a Cadbury's Creme Egg
But you'll make a good album yet.

Kelly said to Carrie

[A purely hypothetical face-off between Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, the lovely winners of American Idol seasons 1 and 4.]





"Excuse me, is anyone sat here?" asked Kelly.
Laughed Carrie, "well no-one but you."
"There's a yogurt in my pocket I'm dying to share.
So I sure hope that you like tofu."

"I hope it's not poisoned," said Carrie unsurely,
And emptied a spoon down her throat.
"Of course not," grinned Clarkson and stood up to leave.
"But it's packed to the brim with peyote."

And so Carrie wandered through mystical plains
With Bo Bice as her spirit guide.
Visions of vegetables taunted her, humming
The songs of Martina McBride.

She woke with a start upon Checotah Bridge
Her journey had come to an end
Now only one thing remained on her mind
Find Kelly and wreak sweet revenge...


[To be continued]