The Passion of Lindsay Lohan

[Former teen queen actress-cum-popstar Lindsay Lohan recounts a tale of artistic woe and spiritual triumph]

The Daily Show's always making out
That George Bush isn't clever
But I've got bigger fish to fry
So I'm like yeah, whatever.
See something happened recently
That really messed my head.
Scum sprayed graffiti on my house
And this is what it said:

'What's the point of Lindsay Lohan?
What does she have to give?
Why are decent people shot and killed
While Lindsay Lohan lives?
Has she ever made an album
You could sit through more than once?
Lets put her down across the town
In different colored fonts.'

This call to arms shot through my heart
Those cruel words really bugged me.
I'd always thought up to this point
That everybody loved me.
I told the maid to scrub it off
If her family wanted feeding.
But the next day to my disbelief
A new message appeared, reading:

'What's the point of Lindsay Lohan?
Where does her talent lie?
Won't she be completely screwed
When Judgement Day arrives?
What's the deal with Lindsay Lohan?
Just how did she get this far?
Which direction were we looking in
While she became a star?'

This time I was really mad
Oh boy, I'd had enough.
Who would twice befoul my sacred walls
But that bitch Hilary Duff?
So I called a gangsta pal of mine
Whose services don't come cheap
And had the whole Duff family
Dismembered in their sleep.

That's the point of Lindsay Lohan:
She's a girl who gets things done.
She swats her enemies like flies
But knows how to have fun.
So don't mess with Lindsay Lohan;
Bow down to her instead.
Or everyone you care about
Will end up bruised and dead.