Friday, March 23, 2007

Jeremy Kyle

[With apologies to Mika, this Grace Kelly pastiche addresses the self-righteous daytime ITV talk show host.]

Do I offend you?
Do I repulse you with my worthless life?
Am I too lazy?
Is it my baby?
Have I been sleeping with my brother's wife?

I could be loathsome
I could be dole scum
I could be father to a wayward child.
Why don't you like me?
Why do you slight me,
Jeremy Kyle?

Your show's on after
Lorraine Kelly,
With her fashion tips and cosy chat.
So I have to tune in every morning
Just to find out who you're screaming at.

I could be savvy
I could be chavvy
I could be shallow and uninspiring.
I could be a junkie,
Or look like a monkey:
I could be ripe for patronising.
You're always so mean,
Venting your spleen
Flaunting your God-given talent to judge
Why don't you like me?
Why do you spite me?
Why do you treat me like ignorant sludge?

I could be cheating,
Prone to wife-beating;
I could be all of those guests on trial.
Why do you hate me?
Why do you slate me,
Jeremy Kyle?
I could undress
For my DNA test;
I could turn your sneer into a smile.
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you bite me,
Jeremy Kyle?


Anonymous said...

That's excellent! I'm going to have that song in my head now :-)

Lx said...