Friday, August 11, 2006

Greyfriars Bobby Gillespie

[A dog-themed tribute poem to the Primal Scream front man and legendary caner. Buy the latest Scream album here.]




Bobby Gillespie said with a pant:
"There's life in this old dog yet."
So we slipped a collar around his neck
And led him straight off to the vet.

The surgeon withdrew a sample of blood
Then said to me: "now listen son,
I don't know what you've been feeding this pooch
But it hasn't been Pedigree Chum.

This canine is more drug than dog
He's a bona fide junkie mutt.
Instead of just sniffing for substances
He's snorted the stuff straight up.

We can send him off to a farm in Wales
Where he can rest and chase some sheep.
Or I can fetch the needle I call 'Old Faithful'
And put him humanely to sleep."

"Don't you know who this is?" I asked,
"He's a verified legend of rock.
We don't want to mangle the Scots mongrel's mojo,
We just want to give him the chop."

The quick operation caused Bobby no harm,
His tail soon resuming its wag.
We gave him a bone to reward his compliance
And took his balls home in a bag.
.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

The Ballad of Chantelle and Preston

[A love poem for the fake popstar-cum-Celebrity Big Brother winner and Ordinary Boys singer in honour of their forthcoming nuptials]

Chantelle said to Preston:
"Does my brain look big in this?"
As he fixed the last bolt in her neck
And sealed it with a kiss.
"You look lovely babe," he purred.
"You could almost pass for real.
Now lets go and make a million
On our OK! wedding deal.

Will you take this Ordinary Boy
To be your better half?
With my girlish frame and wolfish face
I'll always make you laugh.
Even though you've got no talent
There's a certain naive charm.
So I'm sure I'll find some comfort
In your cold robotic arms."

"Oh my God," she said three times,
Her voicebox briefly stuck.
"I'm famous for doing nothing
And just can't believe my luck.
Although your brand of lightweight ska
Does nothing for my ears,
A media-bankrolled marriage
Will be great for our careers."

The big day came and Chantelle shone
In her Primark wedding dress.
While Heat magazine and GMTV
Wished the couple all success.
But Preston's band weren't happy
That he'd left them in the lurch.
And gunned the grinning groom to death
As he stepped outside the church.

Such horror stunned the nation
For a quarter of an hour.
To see romance so pure and sweet
So suddenly turn sour.
A 21st Century tragedy
Like Romeo and Juliet.
Now Chantelle walks the streets alone
With a sign that reads 'To Let'



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