The Winehouse Rules

[In which cockney geezer actor Ray Winstone recalls a chance encounter with loopy songstress Amy Winehouse.]

To The Ivy for lunch
With Quentin Tarantino
We rap about political
Subtext in The Beano.
The red and black menace
Posed by Dennis and Minnie,
While Lord Snooty fought his fate
As capitalist ninny.

When all of a sudden
This bird stumbled in,
Climbed on a table
And started to sing,
She had beehive hair
And a PVC suit on,
Causing poor Quentin
To choke on his crouton.

She sang she ain't gonna go to rehab,
She said no, no, no.
I barked: "lets get your jacket girl,
I think it's time to go."
"She's a neighbour of mine,
I'll take her home," I lied.
Then ushered the wonderful
Winehouse outside.

She'd been shooting her mouth off
All round town.
She's got more bleeding rabbit
Than Watership Down.
So I had to think fast
To avoid a scene
And took her to a pub
With an Irish theme.

I said: "Come on love,
You're all fingers and fumbs,"
As she fiddled with the buttons
On my 501s.
She abandoned the 'job
So I gathered my load,
And walked her to the bus stop
Just down the road.

I hugged her and asked:
"You feel better now?
You were off your face,
You daft drunk cow!"
But then she snarled,
As I turned to leave her:
"I'm coming back for that thing
With a meat cleaver!"