A Date with Diddy

[Inspired by this story about a possible romance between rap mogul megastar (P) Diddy and model-turned-actress Sienna Miller.]

"Sienna, my dear," said Diddy one night,
"Come with me back to your room.
I'll shower you there with Cristal champagne,
And douse you with trendy perfume.
We can sit and watch DVD boxsets.
I've got Friends seasons 1 to 4.
After Chandler and Monica get it on,
We'll burn effigies of Jude Law."

"Diddy my darling," Sienna replied,
"I'd much rather go for a drive.
The press are obsessed with my current success,
And they can't take my picture if I'm inside.
So say goodbye to your entourage
Leave your feeble Friends on the sofa.
Take off your jewellery and fashionable shades,
And pretend you're my personal chauffeur.

They slipped into his Mercedes Benz
Where Sienna passionately kissed him.
While Diddy fiddled absently
With his TomTom sat-nav system.
Sienna deduced he was dithering
As he struggled to start the ignition.
"Diddy my driver, what's wrong?" she cried,
"Are you wary of carbon emission?"

"That's certainly a burning issue," he said,
"But it ain't the problem, amigo.
This car was custom-built for Diddy
And is fuelled by my hip-hop ego.
Without my posse and trademark bling,
I'm as powerless as a mere flunky.
So lets head back to your hotel and watch
The one where Ross loses his monkey."

The Wickedness of Westlife

[Supposing that behind that clean-cut image, the Irish crooners aren't such nice boys after all.]

Louis Walsh frowned
As his boys tossed around
The head of Sienna Miller.
He sighed: "Guys, I know
You don't dig Boho
But that wasn't a reason to kill her.

Now we'll all face
A public disgrace
From the pigs of Primrose Hill
These murder sprees
Have really got to cease -
Can't you do something else for a thrill?"

"Louis," they said,
While skinning the head
"It's not just a bit of fun.
Sharon Osbourne says we must
Satisfy her bloodlust
Before we score another number one.

She has woken from the deep,
Without her beauty sleep
And needs to look her Osbourne best.
Nobody must know
That beneath her reddish glow
She's a surgically-enhanced Rose West.

So give the gal a chance,
Come join us and dance
With the Devil in the pale moonlight.
Help us disembowel
The nasty Simon Cowell
And devour him with some Chicken Tonight."