Justin's SexyBreakfast

[Intrigued by Justin Timberlake's imminent return with his sexy new single SexyBack and equally sexy new album FutureSex/LoveSounds, this poem guesses the kind of lyrics we'll be hearing from the sexed-up superstar]

Girl you're like my coffee,
So hot and strong and sweet
I'm gonna lay you down
A special morning treat.
Don't need no milk
'Cause you got cream enough for two.
Love's on the menu
And I'm hungry babe for you.

Gonna crack your egg and test
Your firmness with a poke.
Pick up my soldier girl
And dip it in your yolk.
I dedicate this toast
To our forever lovin'.
You can eat my sausage
If you let me munch your muffin.

'Cause it's Justin's Sexy Breakfast
It's a feast of funk supreme.
And you can't leave the table girl
Until your plate is clean.
Said it's Justin's Sexy Breakfast
Tastes so good it must be wrong.
Now spread your legs like butter
I'm gonna have you naked by the end of this scone...



..

Purple Rinse: Grandma's Lust For Prince

[God knows which dark recess of my mind this came from but it's a bit rude. But then so is Prince...]
"He seems nice," my grandma said
When Prince had left the house
"Perfect manners, lovely smile
And quiet as a mouse.
Tell him to pop round again
He's welcome any time.
There are several new positions
That I'm curious to try."

"Whatever would the neighbours say"
I asked her with a grin.
"If they knew his Purple Highness
Was your latest sexual plaything?
They'll stare at you in Tesco
When you're buying fresh whipped cream.
And claim they saw you on the bus
Masturbating with a magazine."

"I don't care what people think"
She mumbled through her cupcake.
"No-one raised an eyebrow
When I was humping Justin Timberlake.
Or when I placed that advert
In the second-hand shop window
Offering my expert services
On Tuesdays after bingo.

Prince knows how to treat
An open-minded geriatric
He'll set us up for foursomes
With a drummer and a fat chick.
His nimble hands will work
My wrinkly body like a pro
While his naughty tongue
Gently works its magic down below."

Unfortunately for Grandma
Prince declined her kind relief
He prefers much younger women
Who still have their natural teeth.
But she seems quite optimistic
That she'll land another lover
Preferably a sandwich between
Morrissey and Usher.