Suffer Terry Wogan

[Inspired by the rumour - now sadly denied - that Morrissey was to write the UK's entry to this year's Eurovision Song Contest, here's imagining the type of song he might have performed.]

Luxembourg, so much to answer for.
Did you save face
When you withdrew your place
And the Irish conquered in '94?
I hope you're singing now
Oh I do hope you're singing now.
As you sneer down your nose
At the glittery clothes
Of the udders that milk
This shiny cash cow.

Frankly Mr Wogan, this position you hold,
It pays your way but it corrodes my soul.
I'm afraid to say that your jokes
Just aren't funny anymore.
And your slick toupee can't detract from the fact
You're an awful crushing bore.

Sandie Shaw, the woman I adore,
You pulled my heart's string
When I first heard you sing
Back in '67 when you wiped the floor.
Are you watching me now?
I do hope you're watching me now.
You returned my love
When you sang Hand in Glove.
Now I aim to reclaim your Eurovision crown.

Oh Terry it was really nothing
When Jemini took to the stage.
And shamefully secured
A dismal nul points score
While the monsters of Europe
Just jeered in our face.
But they won't be laughing now
No they won't be laughing now.
As we storm the Finnish city
With this jingoistic ditty
And Bigmouth takes his glorious bow.