Smurf When You're Winning

[In which Robbie Williams is attacked by a vengeful gang of small blue men. Or maybe it's just his conscience talking?]

So I'm basking by the pool of my L.A. home,
Enjoying the wonder of being alone
But tempted to give in and pick up the phone
And call for a dog to come bury my bone.

When all of a sudden I'm under attack
As two tiny creatures jump onto my back
And squeak "Now we've got you, you arrogant twat,
You're coming on tour with the rest of Take That!"

"Never!" I cry once I gather my breath,
"You'll not consign me to a fate worse than death."
I grab my assailants around their blue necks,
And stamp on them, making a terrible mess.

But as I prepare to sit back and laze
Another small figure appears through the haze.
And fixing me with a cold steely gaze,
He charges at me with his toothpick raised.

"You won't get away!" he screams with a bark,
"From Gary and Howard and Jason and Mark."
So I swipe his pick and drive it straight through his heart
And his fragile blue body just crumbles apart.

Just as I start to think everything's cool,
The biggest one yet climbs out of the pool
And laughs "Don't you get it, you ignorant fool,
We never give up, that's the Holy Smurf rule!"

By now I am thoroughly tired of this shit
And as it's quite clear that they're not going to quit,
I promise I'll send them a video clip
Since when they've all left me alone for a bit...